Dreams. (basically planning my life)

Dreams. (basically planning my life) When i think about my future i look way in to it. What i find my self thinking about, well kind of wanting, is not stuff i would typically expect from a person. like when i imagine my future, its not much. all i want to have when i grow up is some sort of family. and the rest comes in the picture almost as "extremities". also, i am going to be living in a beautiful forestry/rural place. something like near a small town. i do not want to have a life entirely based on stuff i have, rather than stuff i do.

I think i feel this way because as i have been growing up, Family meant nearly everything. the need for family figures in my life when i am an adult can be contributed to my grandparents. they are the producers of one hundred family members. i let a lone have over one hundred family members in the city of Alameda so like everywhere i go there is a cousin or and aunt. sometimes even some nephews or nieces. I LOVE it. i cant even imagine going a day without seeing some kind of family member.

i want. i do not want a typical life. like most people would make comment and or even say it is less than an "average". like something simple. when i grow up i am going to be healthy, have a good job, vacation often (but it wont be vacationing), and enjoy everything/everyone in my life. even the simple things. i like the simple things... there are actually the greatest part of life. to be healthy i am going to eat healthy and work out almost everyday. to have good job i am going to need to going to have to go to a nice college, prob through football. :( i do not really want to but i am probably going to have to do college through football. and since i want to live in northern California near the sierra mountains, Guam, or basically any beautiful spot in the world. nothing plain. since ill be living in a vacation place it technically wont be vacationing. and for the simple things, everything beautiful.

None of this even possible without god. God is the center of everything. everything we know. everything we will know. weird right? at first, when i just started thinking on my own and being more responsible (such as making decisions or planning for my future), basically getting  freedom over my own life, i did not believe that any of this was true. this amazed my parents because they both were very firm believers and played an extremely active role in our church community. i think all of my "doubts" about religion came as i started having legit science classes.

Science classes started getting more serious and more in depth as i got older and older. i first actually noticed this in the eight grade when they started to teach us about all that evolution shit. i actually had a teacher that had the tenacity to look me in the eye and tell me that "god is not real. its just that a women stuck to her lie very well." we all know where he is going! but anyways, this was the first time in my life that someone has told me god was a lie. I was honestly pissed. i was like HOW RUDE! this mad me think, a lot. i ended up questioning the whole religion and basis of Christianity.

I later did research on things that have disproved Christianity or stuff that just argued it. on top of further depth in evolution and better standing off it i found some legit ass arguments convincing me otherwise. this wasn't the nail in the coffin of my faith in god. something else later to come did me off. one of the most disappointments in my life brought me down.

Auntie Carmen. She was my aunt that died in my eighth grade year. i felt that if someone can just die without any remorse there could not be anybody responsible. just like that, family, gone. this was absolutely devastating to everyone in our family. how could anyone do that to a family. couldn't be real.

i went for about a year thinking this. not until maybe early sophomore summer. right now i honestly cant remember why i have started believing in god but i really do believe in him. even though the events that have turned me away, my crisis is over and my belief is stronger than ever